Just took my morning after pill in the library
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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