I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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