i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
