I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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