I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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