Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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