Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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