if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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