I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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