the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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