I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
