Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
