i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
