dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
