i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
