Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
