I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I want a musical about memes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
