I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It was like giving head to a cactus.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
