You smell like stripper and shame
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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