so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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