i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
