Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
