I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
