my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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