mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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