Sry I called you an 8
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
