Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
and you fell through a lawn chair
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
