if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
