Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
