I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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