found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
