I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude i'm inner monologue high
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
