We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
