I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
