I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
