This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
