I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
