Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
