Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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