Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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