I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my shit smells like andre
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
