I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
