I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
