so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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