I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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