I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
