margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
