omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
