Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
