So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
