in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
