I accidentally had phone sex last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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