he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
