she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
ttyl tear gas
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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